I Do + 1


Let’s start with a disclaimer: These are stories told by a variety of folks ranging from young adults to the 50s club. I’ve gotten the green light to tell their experiences as they walked and sometimes crawled through the world of dating. Names and basic information such as location and sense of time have been changed to protect these individuals so trust me, 2 + 2 does not equal 4. Alright, that’s about it, let’s jump into it. 


So there I was at the very much overdue “Let’s grab drinks” that inevitably turns into one of those “Maybe I should grab a bite for later too” with a healthy serving of “Girl, let me tell you what happened to me”. There we all were; Cassie, well onto her second Rum Punch and on track to being the Vice President of the Marketing company she’d been with since college; Zara, a well-decorated Filmmaker and Director, Bri the architect of health (she’s a doctor) and oftentimes therapist of the group and lastly, me, Tabi, the private chef and quietest of the lot. While casually browsing the food menu because I might as well, Cass leans over Bri, elbows against her thighs and asks me, “Did you really fuck him in their bed?” I felt the stillness immediately. Feeling all of their eyes on me, I launched into the story of how I fucked this woman’s husband in their bed while she watched TV with their daughters and her mom”. 


Taking a sip of Chocolate Martini, I began, “Please note that this was after Joe and you guys know that emotionally? I was in shambles. Well, you guys know that I was staying with Chase and we all know his place is more of a frat house, but a clean, classy frat house.  Now, I couldn’t return to the apartment Joe and I shared so it was decided that I’d crash at Chase’s for a couple of months.  It was during those months the phrase “living your best life” one hundred percent applied to me because sexually, I was doing the most and that lead me to Zane Cruz. He just so happened to be one of the frequent flyers at the house and we hit it off immediately. We were into a couple of the same things, our music tastes were similar and he always had access to the fun adult treats. Often enough, he’d vent about his marital issues and it always amazed me that he was going on seventeen years with his high school sweetheart of a wife. Though I would admit this shock I felt was fueled by both his face which was on the youthful side and his age, 35.” At this point, all of their eyes were glued to me as I paused to take another sip of Martini and wave to the waiter for some water. Cass looked like she wanted to cast an opinion but I pressed on.


“One night when the rest of the house was going out, I remained behind to continue planning a baking seminar and Zane was going nowhere as he was two hours deep into a business call. Almost an hour later and despite being stupid drunk on concentration, I heard his voice coming from the office, and no longer did it sound business-friendly. Then, all too soon, he entered the room.” Guys, I kid you not, he said, “I fucking hate this bitch”. Closing my document I braced myself for the rant. Grabbing two glasses and a half-empty bottle of wine and I set them on the table. He groans and sits as I pour into the glasses and he began. Though, from listening, I privately conclude that they’re on the verge of a divorce they just didn’t know it yet. It was almost 3 AM when I convinced him that driving home was not in his best interest and he’d best crash on the couch. So said, so done.” Then Zara hastily asked, “Wait, so when did you fuck him?!” while blowing clouds of smoke our way and passing me the joint.  “I’m getting there, I promise”. Taking a hit, I continued. 


“The following week, I linked up with him as the group he worked for was looking to hire chefs for their string of AirBNBs across the nation.  However, he wanted to drop dinner at home for his kids as it was Pizza Night at the Cruz’s.  While driving to his house he explained that the source of his annoyance with his wife is that she’s unfair.  That’s when he then admitted that their marriage is actually an open marriage and has been that way for the past 15 years. They’ve both agreed to see and be intimate with other people. In their arrangement, they can have sex separately on their own time with their partners, or they have the option of having threesomes. However, the thing is, when he brings girls over to their house, they tend to gravitate toward her, his wife, and she ends up having sex with them when in truth and in fact, when they brought their partners home, male or female, it was to have sex with that person together. When she does this, he admits it drives him up the wall because in her not sticking to the script, he ends up being the odd one out. By this time he’s pulling up to his house and it’s then our story truly – what’s the term – gets juicy? Well that, precisely that.”


I continued, “For whatever reason, I leave my hoodie, grab my bag and head out of the Mazda. When I got upstairs, I was introduced to his kids, his wife Phoebe, and the kids’ grandmother, who was Phoebe’s mom. From the moment Phoebe saw me, her eyebrows became furrowed while shaking my hand, and the greeting? A bit stiff. Still, I smiled and had a bit of a chat with both ladies and even debated with the kids why pineapples belong on pizza. After losing the debate and making small talk with the ladies, they retired to the kitchen for more slices and I went to the verandah to roll up and enjoy their spectacular view. After some time, Zane told me to follow him and led me to their room. He told me I could smoke there and then asked if I’d like a Mountain Dew to which he knew the answer. He left the room for the kitchen and, like any normal person, I scrolled through social media and answered messages.  Then I heard it, “blah blah blah don’t understand why you have to bring her here blah blah”; “what do you mean you’re hurt?” “blah blah then you bring this bitch in here” “did you not have sex with my best man?” “blah blah blah feelings too”. Walking toward the room, I heard him angrily say “God you’re so inconsiderate!” Then he entered the room. At this point, I told him that it was alright if we left to which he arguably said “No, we’re staying, she’s just angry that the shoe’s on the other foot”  At this point, we’re smoking and Netflixing on their marital bed where I’m sure their kids were conceived and Phoebe, her mom and the kids are watching the TV rather loudly.  Then, you know, hormones, attraction and getting even … I fucked her husband in their bed while she watched TV with their daughters and her mom.” Taking a sip of my water, I quietly said, “And that’s about it, mhm”. 


The first to break their silence was Bri who simply asked, “So you really fucked him in their bed huh?” To the waiter, I shouted, ”CHECK!”


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