Sleeping With His Ego


As he kisses her neck she softly moans, then he slips his hands between her thighs. His mouth finds her nipples and his tongue begins to tease them. She starts to drip and he begins to unzip his pants. Before she knew it, he was thrusting inside of her. 


This happens so many times. There is never really a build up to the “Big O” as a good number of men know nothing that deviates from PornHub, XVideos or the sex scenes from TV. Then again, how many women rely on the hope that men know what they’re doing? Women don’t go into it saying “hey, you know what you’re doing, right?” No, we don’t.  So here we are, waiting for the build up or anticipating great foreplay only to have it be short lived and to be honest, left nowhere close to being satisfied.  


From this article, the average age of first sexual intercourse (or sexual debut) was 15.6 years. Males reported earlier ages of sexual initiation than did fe- males (Figure 1). Twenty-two percent of males reported sexual initiation between 10-13 years, while 16% of females reported the same. During these teenage years, both boys and girls are curious about sex, relationships and love but they typically don’t go to adults to know more about these topics. So where do they get their preconceptions from? 


Typically, teenagers tend to listen to the advice of friends rather than parents. So when friends share past experiences, now they automatically think that’s how things work and how they’re actually supposed to happen. Then you invite porn into the mix (I know I wasn’t the only one watching those “forbidden” movies after dark.) Porn gives you a fantasy in a short clip showing men going from kissing to aggressively being Pornstars. There’s no in between or lead up. The guy meets the girl then they go back to one of their places and within a minute, they’re already having intercourse.  These types of videos add to the preconceptions that most men (and women) have of how sex goes. According to Lori Gottlieb, “What will you never see in a porn video? ‘Honey, I don’t like that, could you stop doing that, could you take a shower first? What you don’t see in porn is anything that needs to be negotiated, the woman having needs of her own or the roles being reversed.” Men have therefore been conditioned to have sex where it’s all about them. Sex, for many, ends when the man ejaculates as it is what defines sex for him. For instance, when recounting the sex had the night before, oftentimes men tell the story with the focus on them. “Yeah, we had sex and I did this and did that and I bust a nut” The end. There is no talk of if the woman came. Additionally, older siblings, uncles and homeboys share their experiences and project their preferences which then become adopted.   


After getting the juicy stories and play-by-plays, what’s next? Swimming in the water, obviously.  Guys use what they’ve learned on the next million women, just kidding, maybe at least the next thirty.  In doing this, they build a blueprint from preconceptions and use it on every woman they meet. Part of building their resume is the confidence they’ve built up from making women orgasm from the same play. Ever heard of that saying if it ain’t broke don’t fix it? Well, I think this is where men fall short. They’re being congratulated for their sexual triumphs, the triumph of making a woman orgasm (if in fact the woman did orgasm and wasn’t faking it). They’re too busy getting congratulated to address the fact that their frequent path of pleasure didn’t work on a couple of women. Because that number may be smaller than their triumphant figure, it isn’t paid attention to. In a perfect world, most women would speak up if they’re left unsatisfied. In the not-so-perfect world we live in though, women aren’t telling the men where they fall short out of fear of hurting their feelings – aka, bruising their ego. 


Maybe it is their ego? Most men, if you ask them, don’t see an issue with their sex game. To them, like previously stated, they equate a woman’s orgasm to being good in bed. Men view women’s orgasms as an achievement, this study finds. Men feel manlier when the woman they are having sex with has an orgasm, according to new research. The study of 810 men (average age 25) found that women’s orgasms often function as a masculinity achievement. According to Charlene Muehlenhard, professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas in Lawrence “Men are supposed to give a woman an orgasm and her orgasm proves the quality of his work”. 


So, it seems we all have a part in stunting men’s growth in the bedroom by playing to their ego. As women, we make a guy feel good when we don’t disclose his utter failure in making us orgasm. How many women admit to not telling their partner the sex is bad? If a man is not being told this, then a woman’s vocal acting adds to the preconceptions and his blueprint of pleasure and with that I say, “Good day, sir.” So for the sake of humanity can we stop lying to these men? However, I don’t feel the outcome will be favorable as there is an actual study that shows that 80% of women have faked it with their partners. One woman told Muehlenhard, “I pretended to have an orgasm so that my partner would [finish]. He couldn’t [finish] until I orgasmed.”


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